Here in this open warm house people are bustling with perfect conversations. Done up hair and buttoned down shirts. I feel awkward and sheepishly aware of my flaws, screaming at me from the inside. No one is pointing fingers at me or giving whispering stares. Its just something Iv conjured up out of my past and pasted it here in this house.
We put our self worth in how well we preform. For me as a woman its how much iv laughed , smiled and made them feel like I am something captivating. I don't mean to fall into this facade time and again. Its like i'm walking in a field and somehow find the ONLY hole in that field in which I slowly fall into.
(A life of striving)
Falling into a hole always hurts and getting out of them takes a bit of admitting your there and then climbing out.
I did that this week at Chipotle. I admitted a weakness of mine, you listening and watching with gentle eyes.
I realize today: What if I redirected all my "trying" into loving the person i'm trying to impress. Even if I don't feel comfortable. Why am I so obsessed with being comfortable anyway?